Alienated

The feeling of being undesired or unwanted.

whether real or imaginary

I am filled with the feeling that those around me wish i would leave wish I was not there.

I feel alienated from people all around me.

even those who are perhaps oblivious to my thoughts or feeling i do not even want to engage.

overwhelmed with the feeling that no one understands.

shattered by my own lack of logic or coherencey.

I am broken and angry, filled with shame regarding my very existence.

Constantly struggling to not be the things I am.

broken and useless.

tired.

constantly afraid and ashamed.

what is right?

what is wrong?

who am I?

who am I supposed to be?

what and I supposed to do?

who am I supposed to care about?

who am I supposed to challenge and stand up to?

I feel the answer I am fed is no one...

I am supposed to love and respect and trust...

and that answer make me want to die

because I am terrible at those things and I thrive on challenging, critiquing, destroying, crushing and changing.

what am I for?

where do I fit?

To care or not to care...

What if I stopped caring?

What if i stopped caring about school or work or success?

would life be better?

if i didn't care about exams or marks?

would life be better?

if i didn't care what people thought? or said?

would I be happier?

do I want to be happy?

am I supposed to be happy?

what if I stopped caring?

what else would stop?

would other people stop caring?

would that be good?

if we all didn't care would we be nicer? more mean? or just nothing?

would nothing be better?

what if I stopped caring?

would I stop being?

what if I stopped?

would everyone carry on without me?

what if i didn't care?

end of an age...

my classes are finished and after this morning i am left with merely 3 exams between myself and summer... a very promising summer filled with love and a wedding, a honey moon, a cielidh, old friends, new friends, friends from afar, and great food and sex.

with these exams come the end of an age...

I think it is the end of my 3rd or 4th I'm not sure... I wonder if people would be happier if they celebrated ages or season of life rather than years...  then the numbers would at least likely be smaller. Given an age is anywhere between 1 year and 20 years. almost completely synonmous with era. or least it is given my current definition.

I've decided its the end of my 3rd age.

It has been an interesting school year... I  entered school with a cynical negative opinion which was merely acedemic and uninterested in the CBC social scene. But now at the end of the year I look back and think that it has been a year or limbo and transition where I have been awkwardly stuck between surrey and abbotsford often feeling connected to no place and no one. It can be very lonely in limbo. Also I realize that whether just me in particular or perhaps a trait of all humans but I connect with people best when forced into it or by taking a step to be part of something or to do something and that outside of that, I will sit alone and do nothing. This semester for whatever reason has been far more miserable than the previous one and I am midway between working hard and studying to finish out well and move into this next book: "Wedding stress and joy ltd" and submitting to misery nothingness, sleep and stoicness... because with feelings and care comes pain and dissapointment. But even before that I feel somehow somewhere along the way  out of laziness or necessity or despari or something I have sacrificed my soul in the course of this semester and have become an empty shell. I blame it on limbo. I blame it on myself, I blame it on Satan.

How do i find it back? How do i reconnect? I don't remember... I question the concepts very existence... What I was once sure of and held unwaivering belief is now strings and wind, whispers of once were or might have been...perhaps merely fanciful imaginations.

I have never worked at a single job for as long as I have now. I get itchy. I start twitching. I get bored and frustrated. I am addicted to new. I am addicted to innovation and theory, reason and acedemia. I am in loathing and hatred of beauracracy. I am part of a beauracracy. ACS and CBC are steeped in protocal and paperwork. I desire small... I desire independence... I desire trust... I desire faith... I desire affirmation... I desire relationships... I desire change... I desire time... I desire health... I desire salvation...

I remain in limbo.

Life for Sale

Mmmmmmm Breakfast...

My parents are selling our house and buying a new one in White Rock. It feels like absolutely everything in my life is changing. It has. My grandparents are going to be moving too. In a matter of mere month my entire childhood will be only in memories of places that once were homes and schools and neighbourhoods now gone and changed having lost everything that once made me cherish those places. This is definitely a year of transition and for the first time in my life the transition seems daunting and final in a way that no other has. of course one might easily say that thats what marriage is daunting and final. But it is not the being married that scares me its the growing up, real life with bills and work and kids.... well not for a few years but its bizarre. I feel like just yesterday I punk kid at a new school trying to act cool and tough. I Play drums I said in class as something about my self. Rock and roll yeah! I'm cool. I don't have to tell anyone I figure skate....

I don't feel that different. now I might say "I have a hairy chest!" still embarassed by my figure skating past. I'm still just a punk kid at a new school trying to fit in and make friends. Figuring out how to act and what I'm supposed to do and what I want to do. Trying to be tough and cool. But now suddenly as marriage and independence approach I feel a greater fullness in my responsibilty as a human being. Suddenly I am stepping out on my own. Holding Amy's hand We step out into our own life and the adventure and journey that awaits us and I feel the weight of our future bear down on my shoulders...

but I carry it gladly and wish to share my life with no other.

Crash!!!

 I note irony here since my last email was about not driving...

On Friday I crashed my jeep. It was my fault I rear ended someone on the way home from work and destroyed a large piece of their BMW. Positives: I'm ok, he's ok and the people in front of him are also ok. More positives: My Jeep still runs!!! Negatives: my jeep doesn't look as pretty and between towing costs a ticket from the police who attended the accident and my insurance deductible it will cost my 700 dollars...but it could be worse. I am experiencing some whiplash but it seems to be getting better quickly.

This is the BMW. We got towed to the same lot so I took some pictures.

My opa can fix anything. We bent the grill and radiator back forward with his truck and the ripped out the shroud(the plastic thing)

Some stuff needed to be tied in place...

...like the hood. But there she is barely the worse for wear and ready for anything. It has been a surreal experience. One minute life is one way and in seconds all of it changes. It really quite crazy. I hope a trust the good will come out of even this...